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My Brain Breaks

Amaxaphobia.


I didn't know it was an actual thing until recently. I just thought maybe I was crazy or lazy or missing that part of my brain that would allow me to do the one everyday thing most humans can do.


I had always accepted that I would never drive in my life, until I moved to a small town with zero transit. I did this knowing I would have to drive and that it would be a huge challenge (especially having held a belief that I couldn't do it for 3 decades), but deep down, thought that with a patient and kind teacher, this would actually be possible for me. Maybe.


Over the years I have been on the receiving end of a lot of judgement from seasoned drivers. The most common one I hear is, "you'll be fine, any moron can drive."


So I guess I am just the moron that can't, I would think to myself.


I know... I know. It was said to make me feel better. They were saying of course, that I would be fine. In all honesty, it just made me feel worse about myself and this seemingly unrealistic fear that caused me to not be able to do the one thing in life that the least intelligent people could do.


Don't get me wrong, I don't think that people with a real and true fear of driving are not intelligent. Far from it. I think they are people who are probably smart and capable in many other areas of their life, who for some reason are too afraid to get behind the wheel.


Do you know that I have had people ask me if I didn't get my license so that I would never have to be the DD? Seriously! Yes, I purposely limited my own freedom to travel so that I could go out and get hammered all the time. Now that would be something, wouldn't it?


If you want to know why I really thought I couldn't drive, it wasn't because I was afraid of someone else hurting me. The exact opposite actually.


I have the shortest attention span of most people I have met in life. I'm not exaggerating. My mind is an expert at wandering. And it is gone before I even know it. Sometimes it has travelled through three other thought countries before I really even know where it's gone. For this reason, I have always been more afraid of hurting someone else because I struggle with focus.


What I have learned since I started driving is that I just might have to work harder at it than other people. And that doesn't make me more or less intelligent. It just makes me more careful. Also, when I am nervous, it makes my brain break even more, so that the things I was good at a moment ago, I no longer am. I have learned that this is when I need to be extra careful.


But I'm doing it. I'm driving. I tried... and so far I haven't failed. I am working towards gaining the freedom my family and I need to sustain a life in the beautiful, small, beach town of our dreams.


So to my non-driving friends, I'm not going to tell you that you can do it too. All I will say, is that if you try, you just might surprise yourself. But also, if you never do try, I will be one of those people will understand why. You will always still be the awesome person you are in my eyes!




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